The eValue-ator does more than identify problems with products. Some basic consumer products deserve kudos, and the simple paper cup I call "Golden Boy" inspired me to write this piece for the amusement of a co-worker after the cup she helped me to acquire disappeared under frankly predictable circumstances some time ago.
"Golden Boy," the distinguished dual-wall paper Dixie cup residing in the cubicle of Tom Seibold, has passed away.
The cause of death is believed to be meddlesome cleaning crews known to prowl the third-floor hallways of the Marketing Department at Company Name's [city name] headquarters.
"It's all my fault," said Golden Boy owner Tom Seibold, product marketing manager, tea fan, and resident of the area. "For nearly four months I made it a point to put Golden Boy up in a storage cabinet in my cubicle at the end of each workday, knowing full well the enthusiasm of cleaning crews to mess around with crap on our desk that they should just leave alone. Last night, I simply forgot."
Seibold acquired Golden Boy--then known as "Fresh White"--through the Michele Jay food accessory adoption agency, whose longtime connections to the overpopulated dual-wall-cup region known as "Hedge House" allowed her to secure a supply of the cups long after they had run out in the headquarters building. Seibold continues to provide regular donations of chocolate to Jay in gratitude for her services.
Legally known as "Insulair EcoSmart (TWC16V) by Dixie Consumer Products LLC," Fresh White eventually became Golden Boy after months of selfless service--uncomplainingly containing boiling hot fluids infused with stain-inducing antioxidant-rich tea compounds known as tannins. "Three, four, five cups of tea a day was never too much to ask of Golden Boy," says Seibold. "When emptied, he was always ready for a refill. Although his interior color eventually changed from white to a splotchy golden brown, I considered this aging process a badge of honor, and I defended Golden Boy from all who would question his cleanliness, judge his fitness based on the wear and tear of daily service, or--worst of all--consider him over the hill, used up, or ready for the landfill."
"In fact, Golden Boy lived to make room for lesser cups in landfills," said Seibold. "Whether warming me on cold mornings or tagging along to boring 9 a.m. meetings, his sturdy double-wall construction and well-waxed interior made him hold up well even after four months of service. If anything, he seemed to be getting more reliable over time." Seibold said he especially appreciated GB's unique two-layer construction that not only provided comfort-enhancing insulation but supplied a convenient top-rim slit in which to tuck tea bag tags.
"A lot of people--as well as so-called 'biodegradable' or 'compostable' cups--talk about 'Going Green,'" said Seibold, "But Golden Boy and his tireless service over months of heavy use were the very embodiment of sustainable consumption. He truly was "EcoSmart" as his birth-name suggested. If only I had paid more attention to him, still sitting there doing his job before I packed up my stuff last night, he would still be on duty today. I can only hope that the trash truck that ultimately picked him up from the company dumpster crushes him quickly, because his greatest dream once reaching an age where he could no longer hold his fluids would have been to get sent to a recycling center and emerge as a cardboard box of pricey health-food store teabags labeled 'contains 35% post-consumer waste.' He just loved the beverage industry."
One of Golden Boy's identical siblings from the closely guarded cache of Insulair EcoSmart (TWC16V) cups originally provided by Jay will now take over Golden Boy's duties. A spokesman for Dixie Consumer Products LLC commends the durability of their products but recommends that other consumers change to fresher cups--for unspecified reasons--more frequently than Seibold does. "We hope office workers grab a new Dixie cup every time they pour a new drink," said a company spokesman. "How can that possibly be bad for the environment if the name of the actual product is 'EcoSmart'?"
